Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Things American People Like

Having been in this country for over a month now I have been able to study its population in its natural habitat. Without further ado, these are Things American People Like.

  • Doggy bags. Because wasting food is wasting money, and if you have leftovers in your fridge you don't need to cook. Combining frugality with laziness, the REAL American dream!
  • Driving. Americans like their cars. Even if they're just going to the convenience store around the corner. This is a big one.
  • Air freshener. Americans have a thing against... nature. Everything has to be clean and perfect at all times. But they're lazy as well, so why attack the root of the problem when they can just spray some of those nice chemicals all over their home?
  • Ridiculously strong toothpaste. Many brands of toothpaste here contain hydrogen peroxide. The whole nation is pretty obsessed with unnaturally white teeth.
  • Wheelchairs for the ablebodied. At places like Walmart and the mall you will find wheelchairs to borrow. Walking through such a big place is just too damn tiresome. 
  • Meals with a side of boobs. Hooters, Jugs 'n Mugs, and many other restaurant chains tempt customers with their scantily clad waitresses. Waitresses who have boobs.
  • HUGE fucking pizzas. Pizzas that are 17 inches large. Pizzas that need their own little table in restaurants. Pizzas that will turn into leftovers in your fridge and feed you for days on end. 
  • Spending money on weird fitness schemes that are advertised on TV. Does anyone actually buy those? The commercials continue, so someone must. They are probably the same people you see driving around in wheelchairs at Walmart.
  • Mouthwash. Because floss and tooth paste with peroxide simply aren't killing enough germs.
  • Carpet. Stone or wood floors are simply too uncomfortable for Americans' delicate feet, since they never use them for anything else than the gas pedal.
  • Bug spray. So they can fill their houses with even more harmful chemicals. 
  • Hand disinfectant. Americans like their hands to be sterile at all times.
  • Malls. Stores in the streets, are you kidding me!? There's no such thing as pedestrians, so nobody would ever notice a shop in a street. For a store to succeed it needs to have a parking place.
  • Pitchers. Why order a single beer or margarita when you can get a whole pitcher at once? Cheper AND easier. Obviously, you're aiming to get completely hammered. 
  • Decorating. On Halloween, suburban homes more or less turn into haunted houses. It's true, I've seen it. What, jack-o'-lanterns you say? Psssht. REAL Americans have mechanical hissing cats and skeletons hanging from spider webs in their garden.
  • Turning the air conditioner up too much. If you're in the subtropics and you have a restaurant, why not provide your guests with relief from the sweltering heat? While you're at it, make sure to set it to 60 degrees (15 C). That way people won't linger.
  • Overkill packaging. Everything such as gum and candy needs to be individually wrapped. Egg cartons are generally plastic and sometimes they'll have TWO "lids". 
  • Drive through fast food places. Nobody ever goes INTO a McDonald's or a Taco Bell.
  • Service. Unlike us Swedish people who don't want to bother people by demanding they do what they're paid for, Americans have put great customer service down to an art. In a restaurant, someone will bring you refills of water or ice tea before you've even finished your first glass. When an employee passes you in a grocery store, he or she will invariably ask how you're doing and if you need help finding something.
  • Small talk. They're expert at it and they do it everywhere, all the time. Sometimes I wonder if they all secretly already know each other. That's the way it seems when alleged strangers effortlessly strike up a conversation. Maybe it's obligatory to know everyone in your county. I strongly suspect they have secret gatherings where they get to know one another. 
  • Fitted sheets! Sheets that wrap around the mattress and actually stay on until you decide to remove them. Swedish sheets suck. They generally stay in place for about a minute and a half. IKEA may be from Sweden, but we've got nothing on you guys. 
What did I miss?

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